Karen Saari fiction Play playscript Mornings with June

Little Panther by Nancy Panganiban, 12″ x 12″, Acrylic on Birch Panel, 2017

Mornings with June

by Karen Saari

Author’s note: This script is copyright protected and may not be reproduced, distributed, or  disseminated without the prior written permission of the author.

CAST OF CHARACTERS 

JUNE TARVELA: Woman, 30s-40s. Until recently a highly successful radio DJ and programmer. Has returned to her hometown after a series of personal and on-air disasters. She isn’t thrilled about it.  

MELANIE BONER: Woman, Same age as June, whom she tormented in middle and high school. Melanie owns several businesses in Agate Cove and loves nothing more than reminding people of it.  Has some ego and control issues.  

KYLE PILE: Man, June and Melanie’s classmate. June’s childhood and  high school friend. Has also returned home after some personal disasters. Has always had a thing for June.  

WILBERT: Man, 50s-60s. Has been running the station and doing most of  the work on it for a few years now. Strong “Yooper” (upper Michigan) accent. Kind-hearted. Devoted to WCOV. 

SALLY TARVELA: Woman, 60s. June’s widowed mother who loves her daughter  but has also enjoyed some newfound freedom and hobbies in recent years.  

Additional Characters:  Several on-air callers to be recorded ahead of time.

SETTING
Agate Cove, Michigan. A small town in Michigan’s upper peninsula. 2022. Most scenes take  place in a radio station and Sally’s front porch.  Additional scenes take place in a grocery store and a bar (can be suggested with lighting or single set piece).  

ACT ONE 

Scene One
 

(Lights up on JUNE. She stands there in her bathrobe, staring out. She has dreaded this day.) 

(Her mother SALLY enters another part of the stage. When she talks to June, it’s not a conversation happening right now, but a series of recent talks.) 

SALLY:  Everybody down at the Co-op was talkin’ about ya. Our big city DJ is comin’ back home! Back to where she started.  

I know this ain’t one of your big fancy stations, but you’ll have half the U.P. listenin’, I bet! Who knows? Maybe you’ll even like it.  

So ya had a string of bad luck. 

(Pause.) 

Okay a long chain of bad luck.  

Ya gotta start fresh somewhere! Why not your good ol’ hometown?  

I bought a coffee pot with a timer so you’ll have a cuppa Joe waitin’ when you get up.  You’re gonna do just great, Junebug. Agate Cove won’t know what hit ‘em! 

(Lights out briefly.) 

(Lights up on June, glum. She has removed the bathrobe and is dressed for work. She forces an “on” smile.) 

JUNE:  Stay tuned for Mornings with June on 103.9 WCOV-FM Agate Cove.  

(Her smile freezes for a moment, then quickly fades.) 

(Lights out.)

ACT ONE 

Scene Two 

(Lights up on WCOV-FM. WILBERT sits at the radio station’s console. The station has no separate offices for its tiny staff, just a couple of desks  where the business of running a radio station gets done. The décor might  include posters from local events, high school athletics calendars, an American flag and a State of Michigan flag. The console overlooks the main  street of Agate Cove, where just about everyone knows just about everyone.) 

(Wilbert is on the air.) 

WILBERT:  (Reading) For a decade or so, Helmi hosted a weekly cooking segment on  Peninsula Today. Known best for her bread and baking skills, she shared her special recipes and  even wrote a cookbook of her favorites. Proceeds went to her beloved nonprofit “Daughters of  Finland,” which provides social resources for Finnish-American ladies. 

(Wilbert goes off-script) … Oh, geez. Anyone remember Peninsula Today? That show ran on channel 4 outta  Pinevale for ages. I never knew Helmi too good, but I remember those segments. I think it was  called “Someone’s in the Keiitio with Helmi.” Keittio’s Finnish for kitchen.  Anyways, Helmi would always be wearing an apron with a funny saying. Like a play on words  about bread and baking. Like “North, Yeast, South, West.” Or “It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s  SOUP-ercook. As in S-O-U-P.”  

(June enters. Wilbert waves as he talks. She observes.) 

(Wilbert laughs a second or two longer than he should.) 

… Where was I? (Finds his place in script) Oh, yah. Helmi Paakola passed  away in her sleep in her home. She was 92. Helmi is survived by five children, Matthew, Mark,  Luke, John and Miami. 

(Pause) 

Wait, that can’t be right. 

(June looks on, stunned. This is terrible radio.) 

Oh, yah. I guess that’s her name. And, let’s see … 20 grandchildren. Holy wah. In lieu of  flowers, the family has asked for donations to Daughters of Finland … (strains to read for a  second) …or, what’s that say … in Helmi’s name. Services will be held Saturday at 3 at  Wykowski Funeral Home in Boggsville. 

(Pause) 

Or the Humane Society! … You can donate in  Helmi’s name to the Humane Society.  

(Wilbert presses a button. Organ music plays.) 

Well, that’s it for today’s obituaries. Brought to you by Dick Johnson’s Rod and Reel. And our  friends at Mel’s Grocery Hub, where ground beef fresh from Kleppy Farms is on sale. From  Kleppy’s pasture to his meatgrinder right to your plate. That’s fresh. 

(June stares. How has she ended up here?)

(Wilbert stops the music and looks out.) 

Nice day out today. Oh, who’s that? (Waves) Herbie Tucker just walked by. Looks like he got  new swampers. Must be headed out for some fishin’. First day of the season! I hope they’re  bitin’, Herbie! Time for tunes before we start our all new morning show, coming up here at 9.  Going back to the 60s with this one from Jerry Lewis and the Playboys. Jerry Lewis? 

JUNE:  (At a loss, whispers) … Gary. It’s Gary Lewis and the … 

WILBERT:  What’s that? Gary Lewis. Oh, yah. Right. Well, here she comes! Fire in the hole! (Music starts up full for a second or two. Wilbert brings it down.) 

(Wilbert removes his earphones and swivels to face her.) 

Well, good mornin’! You June? 

JUNE:  That’s me.  

WILBERT:  I’m Wilbert. We talked on the phone. I’m General Manager. Business Manager. General Sales  Manager. Traffic Manager. Account Executive. Morning show host and producer.  

JUNE:  Good to meet you, Wilbert. You sure wear a lot of hats.  

WILBERT:  (Confused) No, I tend to rotate between three. (Adjusts cap.) 

JUNE:  What I meant was … um, you’ve been doing this solo for a while then. 

WILBERT:  Ever since Marie left last year. She was our big star.  

JUNE:  Marie Keskinen? Right?  

WILBERT:  The same. 40 years she hosted her show. I was just along for the ride. 30 years I was her co-host.  Now it’s just me. Well, till today.  

JUNE:  I thought she’d host her show till the day she died.  

WILBERT:  Well, fame brings a lot of pressure. She’s beachin’ it up in Florida with her sisters now. Good for her, I say. She owns the station but she’s pretty hands-off. We’re a small outfit. 

JUNE:  Yeah. So how about a quick lay of the land here, Wilbert? Are there other staff members?  Offices upstairs?  

WILBERT:  What you see is pretty much what you get. See that desk in the corner? That’s the business desk.  I do all my general manager and business stuff there. This one here? This is where I do sales  stuff. Talking to our advertisers and whatnot. See? We got a landline here and everything.  

JUNE:  Where should I work? 

WILBERT:  Right here at the console. It ain’t a fancy set-up but she still gets us out on the air… 

JUNE:  But is there a place I can do show prep and writing?  

WILBERT:  Show prep? I usually just go off the cuff. Now that you mention it, Marie used to make a list of  things to talk about.  

JUNE:  Let’s um, do that from now on. I have a rough rundown sketched out, some ideas. For today. 

WILBERT:  Need a tutorial on the board here? 

JUNE:  I’ve worked them all, Wilbert. Some of the biggest stations I’ve worked at still had equipment older than this.  

WILBERT:  That’s right. You’re an old pro.  

JUNE:  I was, yeah. Anyway, so we’re on from 9 to noon, right? Who’s on after us?  

WILBERT:  Oh, that’s me. I’m on from noon to 4. That’s when Joe Tanner comes in. He’s on from 4 to 7,  then we switch to a national feed. I do the business work from 4 till whenever I get hungry. 

JUNE:  Wait. What? How early do you start?  

WILBERT:  Oh, I’m an early riser. I take over when the overnight feed is up. 5:30. 

JUNE:  You’re working 12, 14 hour days? Wilbert, that’s insane.  

WILBERT:  (Exhausted) It’s a living.  

JUNE:  How ‘bout I do the heavy lifting on the show? Sound good? You produce. We’ll see how we  work together. Okay?  

WILBERT:  Yah. Sounds good.  

JUNE:  (Sits at console, this is clearly her zone) Okay, so here’s what I was thinking. I’ll do a quick  intro, thank you for holding down the fort, and then I’ll read some news. What’s your news  source? 

WILBERT:  News source? 

JUNE:  Never mind. I subscribe to the AP on my phone. I took notes earlier on the big stories. We’ll do  national first, state … looks like the wolf hunt is still a big topic, huh? The governor made a big  property tax announcement … local news? Is there any? 

WILBERT:  (Seated at other side of console) Ah. Well, there was a barn fire. Whole volunteer fire  department put it out.  

JUNE:  Local hero story. Great! When did it happen? 

WILBERT:  About two weeks ago.  

JUNE:  Not really news then. Hmm. Did you say someone was going fishing earlier?  

WILBERT:  That’s news?  

JUNE:  Well, no. But fishing season has started? Today? That’s a story. Okay. Then we’ll go to break  and maybe take some calls on the wolf hunt story. Can you manage the phones? Good. Any  advertising live reads? Endorsements we need to cover? 

WILBERT:  Oh, yah. When you get a chance, you oughta read some plugs for our sponsors.

JUNE:  Absolutely. You have copy points for me?  

WILBERT:  Um … 

JUNE:  (Putting headphones on) How about if you do the sponsor reads for today. I’ll … take notes. I’ll  cue you. Sound good? 

(Wilbert nods, puts his headphones on.) 

Let’s go.  

(The end of a classic oldies pop song fades up, then out.) 

Good morning, Agate Cove. It’s a beautiful sunny morning in Upper Michigan. Last I looked,  the temp was 50 degrees and it looks like it will get up to about 65 today on this gorgeous first  day of fishing season. My name is Junie T, your new morning show host here on WCOV-FM.  Coming at you with my trusty producer Wilbert here with the latest news and local flavor. 

Ready for the morning, Wilbert? 

WILBERT:  (A little in awe) Huh? Oh! Yah! Ready for the morning! 

(Lights out. Then back up. 20 minutes later.) 

JUNE:  We want to hear your thoughts on the state’s decision to once again allow wolf hunting now that  wolves are no longer considered endangered. So give Wilbert a call here at the station.  

(Brief moment of silence.) 

It’s a controversial topic, with strong views on both sides. Wilbert here is on phones. Let’s talk. (Wilbert’s cell phone rings. He points to it.) 

Give us a call on the station line. That’s 884-5554.  

(Wilbert’s cell rings again.) 

(Lights out. Back up. 15 minutes later.) 

CALLER/CLIFF: (Voice only) So anyway, them buggers ate my chickens. Every last one. And I know there’s other  farmers in the area who lost more than that. So yah. I don’t feel a bit bad about cullin’ the dang  wolf herd.  

JUNE:  Well, thank you for your thoughts, Cliff. Fair points to be sure. Anything else you want to add?

CALLER/CLIFF: (Voice only) Yah. Hey, Wilbert. You comin’ bowlin’ this Saturday? 

WILBERT:  Oh, heck yah, Cliff! I’ll be there! 

JUNE:  (She silently but physically sighs) Moving on … 

(Lights out. Back up. An hour or so later.) 

WILBERT:  Brought to you by Bonnie’s Antiques and Treasures. Located on Perch Street. Bonnie’s is also  where your high schooler can order their customized class ring. Ya know I didn’t know kids still  did that. Back when I was in school, I gave my class ring to my first girlfriend Doris and  wouldn’t ya know, she lost it. Then she had the nerve to break up with me and say … 

(June gives him an impatient signal to speed up.) 

(Wilbert just talks faster.) 

She said she was pretty sure she lost it in Bobby Jorgenson’s truck. Anyways, Bonnie’s Antiques  and Treasures. Also brought to you by Mel’s Grocery, where ground beef from Kleppy’s Farm is  on sale… 

(June slumps in her chair.) 

(Lights out. Back up.) 

JUNE:  That’s going to do it for me today. My thanks to Wilbert for … running the board. Thanks for the  warm welcome back to Agate Cove. It’s gonna be … just great. This is Junie T out for WCOV FM. Have a great day.  

(June removes her headphones.) 

WILBERT:  Mind if I give you a few notes?  

(Lights out.)

ACT ONE 

Scene Three 

(Lights up. Two days later. An afternoon live remote at Mel’s Grocery store. June stands at a table with a WCOV-FM sign and station swag.) 

(June nods and gives a slight wave to passersby.)  

(June checks the time on her phone and dials.) 

JUNE:  Hey, Wilbert. Ready to do the first callback? There’s two, right? What do you mean, maybe  three? It’s pretty standard to know that … okay. Sure. Play it by ear. Ready for this one?  

(Pause.) 

3, 2 … That’s right, Wilbert. It’s a busy day here at Mel’s Grocery on Business Highway 35, Agate Cove. Lots of friendly people have already come by to say hi. Lots of really helpful feedback on the show. I’ve had a few requests for bringing back Radio Bingo? You’ll have to fill  the new kid in on that, Wilbert.  

Mel’s Grocery is your local center for all your grocery needs and more. This week Mel is  running a special on ground beef fresh from Kleppy’s Farm. (Reading, unimpressed) You’ve  heard of farm to table? How about farm to grinder, straight to your plate?  

I sure hope there’s a pan in there somewhere.  

(MELANIE enters and observes.) 

(June notices her and tenses up a little.) 

Kleppy’s Farm ground beef is just three-seventy-five a pound, a steal for this quality of beef. Just  in time to get your grill out for the season.  

Mel’s Grocery is your grilling headquarters. Wondering what to do with all that fresh rainbow  trout you just caught? There’s nothing like trout on the grill. Mel’s Grocery has all you need,  charcoal, lighter fluid, matches, propane. You name it.  

I’m Junie T and I’m here until 3. That rhyme was not intentional. I’d love to meet you. We have  some awesome WCOV prizes on hand for anyone who pops by. Mel’s Grocery on Business  Highway 35, Agate Cove. Back to you, Wilbert.  

All good, Wilbert?  

Yeah. See you later.  

(June hangs up. Tense smiles all around.) 

(These two are not friends.)

MELANIE:  Nice job, June.  

JUNE:  Melanie, hello. Nice of you to stop by. 

MELANIE:  Oh, it’s the least I can do. This is my store.  

JUNE:  You’re Mel. Got it.  

MELANIE:  Truth be told, I own a few businesses in town. There’s this one, the souvenir shop, the flower  shop, Melanie’s Diner. I’m also both Ms in M and M Plumbing.  

JUNE:  Wow. You’ve built a regular M-pire for yourself.  

MELANIE:  I like to keep busy. Especially now that the kids are gone.  

JUNE:  Gone?  

MELANIE:  One’s in college. The other’s in the Navy. That’s what I get for starting so gosh darn young.  How many kids did you say you have?  

JUNE:  I didn’t … I don’t … 

MELANIE:  Oh, I’m so sorry. Are you still married?  

JUNE:  Divorced. Twice. 

MELANIE:  Of course you are. I knew that. Sorry to ask. You’ll probably see me around quite a bit. I’m the  station’s biggest advertiser. I see it as a little “side investment,” ya know? 

JUNE:  Is that so? 

MELANIE:  I feel a kind of responsibility. At this point if I pulled my support the station would be down the  toilet faster than Drano on a hair clog. (She laughs.)

(June laughs uncomfortably.) 

MELANIE:  So tell me about you, Miss Radio Star. What have you really been up to? I mean, I’ve only heard  rumors and you know what those are worth. 

JUNE:  Rumors?  

MELANIE:  Oh, you know how little towns are. People talk. I mean one day your name came up and I heard  your second husband left you and you were bankrupt. The next I heard you lost your big radio  job because you had a little hissy fit on the air. Then I heard your mom had to talk you into  moving back home so you could regain your senses a little. You know. Talk.  

JUNE:  Yeah. Talk.  

MELANIE:  I’ll tell you this. High school never ends. No matter where we go, what we do. In your  hometown’s eyes, we are still locked in time. Forever.  

JUNE:  I should get ready for my next callback.  

MELANIE:  Of course. I just wanted to come and say hi. I’m so glad there’s some new blood at that radio  station. I have big ideas but that Wilbert just doesn’t want to listen. I plan to pop by later this  week. I’ll see you then. 

JUNE:  See you then. 

MELANIE:  Oh, by the way, what a cute top! Did you get that on the clearance rack at Walmart? It really  suits you.  

(Melanie exits.) 

(June, self-conscious, wraps her jacket around her top.) 

(Lights out.)

ACT ONE 

Scene Four
 

(Lights up on Sally. Friday evening. She is in a bathrobe, having recently come out of the sauna. She sits on her front steps and pours a beer.  Sally soaks in the sounds. Birdsong, a lone vehicle rumbling by. She looks up at the sky.) 

(June enters, joining her. June looks a little more relaxed, fresh out of the sauna.) 

SALLY:  You look five years younger, Junebug. 

JUNE:  Thanks? 

SALLY:  Nothin’ like a good sauna to burn off a little stress.  

JUNE:  That was heavenly. What made you decide to fix up the old sauna? 

SALLY:  I missed it! All the bones were still there. It just needed some TLC. And a new stove and  chimney.  

JUNE:  I never understood why Dad let it go. 

SALLY:  Woodstove went kaput and he never got around to it. We just let it go. Life, eh? 

JUNE:  Downright poetic.  

SALLY:  Want a beer? 

JUNE:  Yes, please. 

(Sally starts to pour a glass of beer.) 

Mom, bottle’s fine. I don’t need a glass.  

SALLY:  I’m pourin’ a glass. It tastes better in a glass!  

JUNE:  Oh, it does not! What’s the difference? 

SALLY:  (Continuing to pour) Listen, smarty. 70 percent of beer’s flavor comes from the aroma. Your  nose can’t take it in when you’re drinkin’ from a bottle. Plus, pouring the beer releases  carbonation which forms the head of your beer. Every time those little bubbles in the foam pop,  it releases C-O-2, enhancing the aroma even more.  

(Sally hands June a glass of beer.) 

JUNE:  Listen to you.  

SALLY:  Heck yah, listen to me. It also reduces beer bloat.  

JUNE:  Oh, stop. It does not.  

SALLY:  Know how I said pouring it reduces C-O-2? Well, that means there’s less gas in your gut. Now,  here, Snarky-pants. (Raises glass.) A toast. 

JUNE:  (Glass up) What are we toasting? 

SALLY:  Your first week on the job! How ya feelin’? 

JUNE:  How much beer do you have? 

SALLY:  That good, eh?

JUNE:  Every rule of good radio I’ve ever learned … utterly dismissed. Wilbert’s overworked and flying  by the seat of his pants. And whole obituaries on the radio? The same people call every day and  every day we have to tell them to turn their radio down because of the feedback.  

SALLY:  Think you’ll ever bring back radio bingo? 

JUNE:  What IS that? 

SALLY:  I think it’s self-explanatory.  

JUNE:  They don’t read Bingo numbers on the radio …  

SALLY:  What’d ya think radio bingo was? You set up your bingo cards. Wilbert calls out numbers on the air. When someone gets a bingo, they call in and win a prize. 

JUNE:  I thought I had to be wrong! So half an hour of—

SALLY:  (interrupts) An hour. 

JUNE:  An hour! A full hour of “B … 6. O … 14.” Really? 

SALLY:  It was a lot of fun. Some people got really into it. My friend Joyce won a free night’s stay at the casino.  

JUNE:  Oh my god. Kill me.  

SALLY:  (Suddenly serious) Don’t you talk like that.  

JUNE:  Mom. It’s okay. I’ll buck up. This is a restart. Get some money saved. Keep my chops intact.  Build my courage back up.

SALLY:  I’ve seen you go through so much these last few years. I don’t wanna see you so down again.  

JUNE:  It wasn’t a joyride for me either. 

SALLY:  (Trying to change the mood) Ya know I bump into Carrie sometimes. She always asks about ya.  Youse two were good friends. 

JUNE:  Carrie’s a good person.  

SALLY:  Maybe you could see what she’s up to. Instead of hangin’ with me on a Friday night.  

JUNE:  And miss my lessons on beer consumption? Perish the thought, Mother. How’d you get to know  so much about beer anyway? 

SALLY:  Well, I kinda had the hots for this guy. His name was Glenn and he was a big craft brew guy.  

JUNE:  Do I want to hear this? 

SALLY:  Not much to hear. I set my cap for Glenn and signed up for a craft beer enjoyment class at the  senior center ‘cause I heard he was takin’ it.  

JUNE:  Really? Did you go out with him? 

SALLY:  Nah. He took a shine to Shirley. They’re an item now.  

JUNE:  I’m sorry, Mom. 

SALLY:  It’s okay. I took a shine to good beer! Thought about tryin’ to make home brew. Is that crazy? 

JUNE:  You making home brew? Yeah, maybe a little crazy.  

SALLY:  Seems a little complicated. Would you help me if I bought the stuff?  

JUNE:  (Assuming this will never happen) Sure. Why not? 

SALLY:  Alright. Maybe I’ll do it then. What I was sayin’ about callin’ Carrie …  

JUNE:  Mom, we were good friends a long time ago. But who knows how much we even have in  common anymore, you know? 

SALLY:  She was the first person here, droppin’ off food and a hug, when your dad died a few years ago.  That’s an always-friend. People might change, but them bonds don’t.  

Y’know, I haven’t seen or heard you talk to any of your friends. Not your college pals. Not your  radio buddies. You ain’t even on Facebook anymore. Does anyone even know you’re here? 

JUNE:  Mom! I crawled home and I’m living with you. Starting all over at the crudest radio station I’ve  ever heard. Because my finances are so screwed that my eight-bucks-an-hour amateur hour job is  a blessing. I was the number one DJ in Cincinnati and I had a shot at syndication. I was just  starting to really break. The National Broadcasters Association Award I won for programming?  Nobody cares. I’m a joke.  

SALLY:  You ain’t a joke.  

JUNE:  Oh, I am. Just not a very funny one.  

(A little silence here is okay.) 

And I don’t need a friend. I need a goddamn producer.  

SALLY:  What about the guy who runs it? Wilbert?

JUNE:  Wilbert needs a break. He needs to be the general manager. And I need a producer I can count on to not make bowling dates live on the air. I’ll even train someone. Wilbert says the station can  afford it, they just haven’t tried.  

SALLY:  Wanna hire me? I’m kiddin’! Plenty of beer here, by the way. It’s a craft beer outta Pinevale. 

JUNE:  It’s good. Ugh, you know who I saw this week? And will see more of? Melanie Bingman. 

SALLY:  Oh, geez. That little snot. Acts like she owns half the town. 

JUNE:  She practically does! And she’s the station’s biggest advertiser.  

SALLY:  Sneaky little shit. ‘Course I never got over how she treated you in school.  

JUNE:  I’ll just have to suck it up.  

SALLY:  Don’t let her push you around. By the way, Bingman ain’t her last name anymore.  

JUNE:  I know she’s married. What is it? 

(Sally gives June a “get ready for this” gesture.) 

SALLY:  She is Mrs. Melanie … Boner. Who says God don’t have a sense of humor? 

JUNE:  Melanie BONER? Maybe there is justice in the world.  

(They toast.) 

(Lights out.)

ACT ONE 

Scene Five
 

(A couple weeks later. Morning. Wilbert is running the board and at this moment he is not on air. He sips coffee and looks out the front window peacefully for a moment.) 

(Oldies music plays. Wilbert takes this opportunity to practice various radio voices.) 

WILBERT:  It’s 8:32 here on WCOV-FM.  

It is 8:32 in the A-M here on WCOV-FM.  

Comin’ atcha from WCOV-FM, this is Wilbert da Wildman. Broadcastin’ live from downtown Agate Cove.  

It is 8:32 … ope! Make that 8:33 in the mornin’ on WCOV-FM.  

(He realizes the song is almost done and he adjusts quickly.) 

Well, shoot.  

(On-air, normal voice) Well, good mornin’. It’s … 8:33 (rustling papers) and it sure is a purdy  mornin’ here in Agate Cove. Comin’ up we got some news and music and today’s obituaries.  

(Melanie enters. They wave to each other.) 

Then comin’ up at 9 it’s our mornin’ show with Junie T. Wonder what we’re gonna talk about  today. Oh, that’s right! Ahh … let me look at the rundown here. (This takes a little too long.) Ah,  let’s see what she got planned … 

(Melanie rolls her eyes.) 

Oh! Yah! We’re gonna talk about industry in the U.P. and what’s keepin’ businesses from  bringin’ more jobs our way. That’ll be a spicy topic, I bet.  

We’ll be back with news and music after this.  

(Wilbert adjusts and removes his headphones.)

WILBERT:  Mornin’, Melanie.  

MELANIE:  Good morning, Wilbert. When’s June comin’ in? 

WILBERT:  I suspect she’ll be here any minute. She usually rolls in around quarter to.  

MELANIE:  Well, good. It’s mainly you I wanted to talk to. Oh, and I’ve got your check right here. This is a  pretty big chunk this month since I got Kleppy’s Farm to co-op some of my grocery ads.  

WILBERT:  Well, as always … thank you for your business, Melanie. What would we do without ya? 

MELANIE:  Yes. I know. That brings me to some business we should discuss. How are things goin’ with June?  

WILBERT:  Pretty good, I think. This ain’t exactly her cup o’ tea after all them big city radio stations. She  definitely don’t approve of the way we do things here. Get this. She thinks we should cut the  mornin’ obituaries.  

MELANIE:  Oh, dear. We’d have a revolt on our hands.  

WILBERT:  Well. I dunno. I thought so too, but then I got to thinkin’ … who’s sittin’ there waitin’ to see who died this week? 

MELANIE:  We have a tight-knit community and most of them are seniors, Wilbert. You know that.  

WILBERT:  Yah. Might not hurt us to change a thing or two though.  

MELANIE:  You know I had, still have, my reservations about June. She’s a loose cannon, Wilbert. Did you  hear what happened? I mean it even made some of the national news. She lost her mind on the  air! Her show was number one until her marbles got loose! She was always an odd duck, even  back in school. But now. Loose cannon. Don’t let her call the shots.

WILBERT:  Well. She didn’t get as far as she got without knowin’ a thing or two about radio.  

MELANIE:  Don’t wanna see you get crushed by a cannonball, Wilbert. 

WILBERT:  At the end of the day, I’m still general manager, ya know. I’m still her boss.  

MELANIE:  That’s right. Now … I have some ideas I wanna talk about again. As the station’s biggest  investor, and a community leader, I think I deserve a bigger presence on this station.  

WILBERT:  You want more ads?  

MELANIE:  No. I think the community would like to hear one of their leaders—a mover and shaker—talking about what’s happening in the area. We can have a recipe swap like Marie used to do. Bring back  radio bingo. We could do a grandchild spotlight where people can have their grandbabies talk on  the air—wouldn’t that be fun? It’s something for everyone!  

WILBERT:  A mover and a shaker, eh? Who, ya thinkin’? 

MELANIE:  Me, Wilbert! I’m talking about me. 

WILBERT:  Still got an interest in being on the radio then, eh? Ah … well. It’s a lotta work. You already run a bunch of businesses. You got time? And ya gotta have a … I dunno. People gotta like ya. 

MELANIE:  People like me! I’m VERY PLEASANT! Let’s face it, Wilbert. You can’t keep workin’ all hours  at this station. And that June is already upsettin’ the apple cart with her ideas. She cut down the  hunter’s roundup to a two-minute segment. How are people gonna find out where the partridge  are?  

WILBERT:  I been in this a while, Melanie. It looks easy. But … ah, can ya let me think about it? And ah, figure out how, ah, we might use your … talents. 

(June enters.)

MELANIE:  Look who’s here! Good morning, sunshine! Must be nice to have a job where ya get to sleep in  every day.  

JUNE:  Melanie Boner! Good morning! 

MELANIE:  Common mistake, June. My married name is pronounced beau-noire. It’s French.  

JUNE:  Huh. How do you spell that? 

WILBERT:  You spell it like Boner.  

MELANIE:  Well. I was just talking some business with Wilbert here. I better scoot. Big shipment of toilets  coming into the plumbery today. 

JUNE:  I hope they don’t just dump them on you.  

MELANIE:  (Insincere) So funny. Have a super day! 

(Melanie exits.) 

JUNE:  How are you, Wilbert? You look a little worse for wear this morning. 

WILBERT:  Nah, I’m just fine. That Melanie … she likes to throw her weight around.  

JUNE:  She always has.  

WILBERT:  Well, I s’pose we oughta get this show on the road, eh?  

JUNE:  Hey, Wilbert. Have you thought any more about my producer idea? I mean, I think that would  take a huge load off you. And even if it’s 20 hours a week. 

WILBERT:  Yah. We could swing it. Where you gonna find someone who’d wanna drive to Agate Cove for a part time job though?  

JUNE:  There’s gotta be someone we could train. I mean high school students learn to produce. I was 18  years old in college and producing radio.  

WILBERT:  I guess we could put an ad in the paper … 

JUNE:  Let’s think a little bigger, eyes on the prize, right? 

(Kyle enters. June turns around.) 

KYLE:  June Tarvela. 

JUNE:  Kyle Pile. (A pleasant surprise) Hi! 

KYLE:  I’m here to pick up a prize for my mom. She won pies for life.  

WILBERT:  Oh, yah! Boy, that was a while ago. Here! Lemme dig out the certificate! 

(Wilbert goes and rifles through his various desks throughout the following conversation between Kyle and June.) 

KYLE:  She doesn’t get around too much anymore, so it was hard for her to get over here.  

JUNE:  Are you … home? It’s been ages.  

KYLE:  My mom had a few health scares and well, she’s old. I had some … time on my hands. So I’m  here taking care of her for a while.  

JUNE:  It’s really good to see you. 

KYLE:  I’ve been listening to your show.  

JUNE:  Stop bragging. 

KYLE:  (Whispering) It’s already an improvement.  

JUNE:  That’s very nice of you. Thank you.  

(Wilbert finds the certificate.) 

WILBERT:  Ah! Here we go!  

(He brings the certificate to Kyle.) 

Technically it’s only pie for a year, but what are ya gonna do?  

KYLE:  That’s fine. She can’t even eat pie, but … it’s a “major award.”  

WILBERT:  Well, shoot. It’s just about showtime, June.  

JUNE:  If you need a place to unload it, I am a fan of pie. (Awkward.) I better get on the air.  

KYLE:  See ya, June.  

(Kyle exits. June sits at the console. We see her watch Kyle walk past.) 

JUNE:  Good morning, Agate Cove. I’m Junie T. and if I’m not mistaken, I think I saw a robin this  morning. I think spring might just be here to stay.  

(Lights out.)

ACT ONE 

Scene Six
 

(Sally’s front step. Evening. A couple days later. Sally sips contentedly from a tall glass as she reads a  book by porchlight.) 

(June joins her, also carrying a glass.) 

JUNE:  This is delicious, Mom.  

SALLY:  I tried black tea this time. (Sipping) Isn’t that nice?  

JUNE:  It is. When did you get into kombucha?  

SALLY:  I saw ‘em talkin’ about it on Dr. Stu one day. Lots of health benefits, ya know? I’m gettin’ up there. I need all the help I can get.  

JUNE:  What are you reading? 

SALLY:  It’s a book on craft beer.  

JUNE:  (Reading cover) How to brew beer at home. You’re still thinking about it, huh? 

SALLY:  Yeah. Sounds complicated though. The yeast and the mash and the fermentation and whatnot.  And they keep talkin’ about a carboy. What the heck is a carboy?  

JUNE:  (Shrugging) Google it.  

(They sip their tea while Sally searches on her phone.)  

(Kyle enters. He carries a pastry box.)

KYLE:  Hey, June. 

SALLY:  Kyle Pile. Oh, my heavenly days.  

KYLE:  Hi. 

JUNE:  Hey.  

SALLY:  It’s kombucha night, Kyle. Can I get you some? 

KYLE:  Kombucha night? 

JUNE:  Wednesday.  

KYLE:  Sure.  

SALLY:  (Rising.) Okay then. I’ll be back in a flash.  

(Sally enters the house.) 

JUNE:  Every night of the week is a special beverage night. Monday is smoothie night. Tuesday is soda stream night. You get the idea. 

KYLE:  No beer night?  

JUNE:  That’s Friday.  

KYLE:  Of course. (Hands her the box) Here.

JUNE:  Oh my god. Is this pie?  

KYLE:  It is. Now, I can’t speak to the freshness of it. Turns out pie for life is how Donny unloads his days-old stuff.  

JUNE:  It’s apple rhubarb. Thank you. Do you want some?  

KYLE:  I’m good. 

(Sally comes back out with a glass of kombucha for Kyle.) 

SALLY:  Here’s your kombucha, Kyle. I bet your mom is so glad to have you home. I had to get used to  having this one around again. It’s not so bad, sharin’ the house again. I guess. 

(June is slightly offended.) 

KYLE:  It’s hard to say. I think I get in her way. 

SALLY:  I’m sure that’s not true. 

KYLE:  No, I mean literally. It’s tight quarters in that house and she’s got a walker now so it’s like I’m  constantly in her way. She likes the help around the house but she also hates the way I do things.  

SALLY:  You’re a good kid, Kyle. Hey, I’m headin’ in. Gonna keep googlin’ to see where the heck I can buy a carboy. ‘Night Junebug. 

(Sally heads inside.) 

KYLE:  Carboy? 

JUNE:  She wants to take up home-brewing. 

KYLE:  Wow. That’s pretty great, actually. Wish my mom would get a hobby. Besides word search.  

JUNE:  Parents.  

Thanks for the pie.  

I was surprised to see you walk into the station the other day. Like, a good surprise.  

KYLE:  How are you liking being back?  

JUNE:  Next question.  

KYLE:  How long do you think you’ll be here?  

JUNE:  I don’t know. I’m kind of starting over. Just getting through this moment, I guess. Maybe I’ll end up changing careers—or maybe the dust will settle and I’ll try to hold my head up in the bigger markets again.  

KYLE:  I’ve only heard rumors, so …  

JUNE:  Here’s the abridged version. I got into some financial trouble. Got divorced. My dad died. Got married again. Divorced again. Was living like a rock star and I made some really stupid business decisions. I was a mess. Not dealing with shit. Then one day I’m on the air, in Cinci.  My show’s about to be syndicated in like six markets. Normal day. News break. I was handed the wrong news story and I caught it halfway through—like it was obviously from the previous  day. And stuff like that can happen—it’s live radio. But this little thing, it set me off. I started  crying—like a full-body sob—and I couldn’t stop. On the air.  

After that, everything kind of happened around me. I barely remember my next steps.  I ended up here, sleeping in my old twin bed. Working for minimum wage at a radio station that  doesn’t think twice about broadcasting personal phone calls live on the air.  

To top it all off, I have to deal with Melanie Bingham. Excuse me Melanie “Beau-noire.”

KYLE:  Bullshit. She’s a Boner.  

JUNE:  Anyway. My life’s not in the shitter at all. Let’s talk about you.  

KYLE:  I got divorced a few years back too. It was messy. She went back to her old boyfriend, who’s our  kid’s—Jacy’s—biological dad. Jacy was like my own. I raised her for five years. I tried to get at least some kind of custody. Spent all kinds of money on lawyers. I lost. My ex said I could take  Jacy for a weekend here and there though. Poor kid doesn’t understand—it was so hard. My ex and I had this big fight because I didn’t like some of the things I was hearing. I wanted to know  

if they were true. I heard he was a big partier, an abusive jerk. I asked my ex about it and she said I couldn’t see Jacy anymore. He came home and said I was trying to break up their family.  That he was Jacy’s real dad. So I … punched him in the face.  

JUNE:  Yes you did! 

KYLE:  Yeah, well, they called the cops. I had to stay away. I got depressed and missed a bunch of work  and lost my job. I wasn’t sure what else to do. I don’t actually have any rights.  

JUNE:  Ouch. 

KYLE:  My mom needs some help around the house. So here I am. Life’s going just great for me!  

JUNE:  I’m sorry.  

KYLE:  Yeah.  

JUNE:  Know what I just thought of?  

KYLE:  What’s that? 

JUNE:  Physics club. 

KYLE:  You had no business being in Physics Club. 

JUNE:  I tried! 

KYLE:  You just wanted the trip to Great America.  

JUNE:  Lies.  

KYLE:  When we had to build a model rollercoaster? I totally carried you. 

JUNE:  I thought the car needed a longer running start before the loop-de-loop thing.  

KYLE:  What it needed was gravity and momentum.  

JUNE:  What about the egg drop? We won third place in the physics Olympiad.  

KYLE:  There were only three competitors. And the judges just missed—or overlooked out of pity—the crack in the egg.  

JUNE:  Great America was fun. So … thank you. 

KYLE:  You’re welcome.  

JUNE:  Confession: I only joined Physics Club because of Dirk Nester.  

KYLE:  You don’t say.  

JUNE:  Was it that obvious? 

KYLE:  You’ve heard of poker face? 

JUNE:  Yes.  

KYLE:  You’re more of a Crazy Eights face.  

JUNE:  Crazy eights. That sounds about right. 

(A nice moment of comfort and friendship. It feels good to laugh.) 

I guess I owe you.  

KYLE:  Big time.  

(June has an idea.) 

JUNE:  Hey … your mom doesn’t necessarily need you full time. Does she? 

KYLE:  No. I mostly get things off of shelves and fix things. 

JUNE:  So … are you looking for a job? 

KYLE:  I’m open to a job. I’d kind of given up. 

JUNE:  Would you like to be my producer?  

KYLE:  (Pause. Shrug.) Sure.  

JUNE:  Good. Let’s give it a try. 

(Lights fade.)

ACT ONE 

Scene Seven 

(Two weeks later. June and Kyle are on the air. They’ve found a groove.) 

JUNE:  Once again we’re talking this morning about tourism opportunities in the area. With larger  employers not setting roots in or near Agate Cove, are there other ways we could be using our  assets to draw new money to the community?  

We’d love to hear your thoughts. We’ll open up the phone line here in just a moment after a brief  commercial break.  

(Kyle adjusts the controls. He grins at June.) 

KYLE:  It’s your favorite.  

WILBERT:   (Voice only) When nature calls … (SOUND: Wolf howl)…You need a toilet that works.  

(June and Kyle crack up.) 

(SOUND: Toilet flushes) 

Don’t let that cranky piece of porcelain stop up what needs to go down. If you’re using a plunger  every time you flush, maybe it’s time to call M and M Plumbing. M and M Plumbing has the  latest in low-flow, high-efficiency toilets. Waste less water and less time plunging.  

JUNE:  Gross.  

WILBERT:   (Voice only) Your low-flow toilet gets you a hundred-dollar rebate from the government to boot!  

(June and Kyle lip sync the final lines of the commercial as Wilbert reads:) 

When you gotta go, but it won’t go down, go to M and M Plumbing, Agate Cove.  When nature calls …  (SOUND: Coyotes yipping) You’ll be glad you called us.  

(Kyle takes down the audio on the next ad.) 

JUNE:  Maybe we should see if Wilbert would like some help producing spots.  

KYLE:  I think your favorite person is coming in today to record some of her own.  

JUNE:  Melanie? Hide the glassware. It’s gonna crack. 

KYLE:  I suggested it to Wilbert. He’s on like every other ad. A little variety couldn’t hurt.  

JUNE:  Yeah, yeah. Maybe voicing her own ads will keep her off Wilbert’s back.  

(Wilbert enters. There seems to be a slight spring in his step and he seems less rumpled than usual.) 

WILBERT:  Mornin’, team! 

JUNE:  Wilbert, you seem a bit … bouncier than usual. 

WILBERT:  It’s that extra three hours of sleep I get now! With Kyle here producing the morning show and  runnin’ the board at sign-on, I don’t have to get up with the birds anymore. It’s pretty darn nice.  I’m even thinkin’ about a vacation! 

JUNE:  A vacation! Wow! Where to? 

WILBERT:  Thought about goin’ to visit Marie down in Florida. (A little solemn) Sure would be nice to see her again. I’ll tell her all about our radio star come home!

KYLE:  We’re back in five. 

JUNE:  (On Kyle’s cue) And we’re back. Good morning, Agate Cove. We want to hear your ideas about  tourism in our little town. We have a beach. A great lake. Hiking in the national forest.  Campgrounds. Some local business owners are for it. Others are worried. What are your  thoughts?  

(Kyle signals to June that there’s a call.) 

Oh, and remember to turn your radio off or way down before you call.  

KYLE:  This is Jory on line one. 

JUNE:  We’ve got Jory on the line. Jory, what do you think about tourism in Agate Cove? 

JORY: (Voice only) Hello? Yah, so I’m on the side of the fence that says we gotta keep the tourists out.  

JUNE:  And why is that, Jory? 

JORY: (Voice only) Because once we open ourselves wide to tourists, then more and more of these big chains will  wanna open up shop and drive out our small businesses. I mean first it’s some tourists comin’ to  camp and hike and sightsee. Next thing you know we got a McDonald’s. And a local diner  closes. Then it’s a Walmart and there goes half of Main Street. 

JUNE:  And you think Agate Cove is going to boom that fast if we promote ourselves a little more? 

JORY: (Voice only) I’m just sayin’ there ain’t nothin’ wrong with bein’ the state’s best kept secret is all. Besides, we  don’t need tourists comin’ in and raisin’ all kinds of heck.  

JUNE:  And has that happened before, Jory? 

JORY: (Voice only) Oh, sure. There was some reported gang activity a few years back. Coincided with a big music festival goin’ on out by the lake.  

JUNE:  Gang activity in Agate Cove? What happened? 

JORY: (Voice only) Some hoodlums knocked over a bunch of oversized flower pots on Main Street. It was a real  mess.  

JUNE:  And you’re sure this was tourists?  

JORY: (Voice only) Just followin’ my gut. Tourists got money, but they can also be up to no good.  

KYLE:  (Into mic, participating) I think I see one now. June, is that a tourist coming down Main Street? 

(They look out the window onto Main Street.) 

JUNE:  I think you’re right, Kyle. Strutting around like a wealthy peacock. Wearing an “Agate Capital of  the World” tee shirt. Looking for trouble, you can tell.  

KYLE:  Call the mayor. Someone better lock up the flower pots. They’re coming this way.  

JUNE:  We do appreciate the call, Jory. And your input.  

(Melanie enters. She hovers.)  

We want to hear what others have to say. Are you for or against more tourism in Agate Cove? 

KYLE:  We have Betty on the line.  

JUNE:  Good morning, Betty. Thanks for calling in. How do you feel about opening our town up to more  tourism dollars?

(Betty is a very old caller.) 

BETTY: (Voice only) Our little town is just a treasure. With our sparkling water … our billowing forest … and  millions of agates of every color and shape …  

JUNE:  Absolutely, Betty 

BETTY: (Voice only) It’s a treasure, June. We’re so very blessed. I understand that some people are afraid of what  could happen. And who we could attract. And I just want to say that I think they need to, as my  late husband would say, lighten the fuck up … 

JUNE:  Betty! Betty! You can’t say that word on the radio! 

(Kyle gives a ‘what do I do’ signal.)  

(Melanie is in shock.) 

(Wilbert races over and does a “cut” motion.) 

BETTY: (Voice only) But they say it on the TV all the time. It’s always ‘fuck this, fuck that.’ 

JUNE:  Betty, I’m sorry, but that’s the end of your call.  

Well, that was surprising. Friendly reminder, callers. We can’t say bad words on the air. And just  when we were starting to remember to turn down the radio. If you wouldn’t say it in front of  your grandmother … or your grandchild … you can’t say it on the air. If you pardon us, we’re  going to take a short break.  

(Moves mic, removes headset.) And hope the F.C.C. doesn’t somehow find out. Jesus.  

KYLE:  Sorry. I panicked.  

MELANIE:  Well, I am shocked! How did you let this happen, June? I thought you were the expert in radio.  Don’t you use those delay thingies they use on Saturday Night Live.

JUNE:  Who’d be ready for Betty to drop an F-bomb? 

MELANIE:  Wilbert, this is unacceptable. How could you as general manager let this happen? We have  seniors who rely on this station for company. They expect us to have standards. 

WILBERT:  Melanie, you know well as I do that everyone in town’s gonna get one heck of a chuckle about  this for a long time to come. It ain’t the end of the world.  

MELANIE:  I don’t know if I want to keep my ad dollars here, Wilbert. You have disregarded my input and  ideas, even though I am this station’s biggest advertiser. And now as a business owner, my  reputation is compromised because of the incompetence of your staff. 

JUNE:  Call me incompetent one more time…

MELANIE:  Look at that look in her eyes, Wilbert. I told ya she’s a loose cannon!  

JUNE:  I’m not a loose cannon! No one could have seen that coming! 

MELANIE:  I thought you were a seasoned pro, June. And this was such a low point for you.  

JUNE:  I know the radio industry. I know what works and how it works.  

MELANIE:  Well, then you know it doesn’t work at all without advertising dollars, does it? You don’t scare me, June Tarvela. You’re still the June the Moon as far as I’m concerned.  

JUNE:  You’re still … a mean girl. The meanest girl! 

MELANIE:  That is untrue. Wilbert, there’s something I think you need to hear.  

(Melanie takes out her phone, fiddles with it.)

JUNE:  What are you doing?  

MELANIE:  I am protecting my investments. 

(Melanie hits ‘play’ on her phone, holding it up.) 

JUNE’S RECORDED VOICE:  And in national news, Presidential candidate Len Thomas was arrested for drunk driving outside  Austin, Texas. Turns out this was Thomas’ second O-W-I.  

(June listens, stoic.) 

Oh. Wait. My apologies. That was yesterday’s news. I’m not sure what happened there. Well, we  all make mistakes … I’ve got the latest right here. Somewhere … ah, turns out it was just a man  who shares a name AND a resemblance to the presidential candidate. Just a big … mistake. 

(Silence. Followed by a sob.) 

I’m so sorry. (More sobbing) I don’t know what’s happening. I can’t stop crying. I can’t …  move. Someone? My life is a mess. Everything. A complete fucking mess. Sorry. 

(We hear a distinct big ugly cry.) 

Someone help me. I can’t …  

(On the recording, a random pop song starts to play, as if she scrambled  to erase what just happened.) 

(Awkward silence in the room.) 

KYLE:  June? You okay? 

JUNE:  I hadn’t actually listened. I was there. That was me. But I hadn’t actually …  

MELANIE:  Do we want this to happen on our little station? Wilbert? A nervous breakdown complete with another F-bomb?

WILBERT:  All’s I know is June’s been doin’ a good job here.  

MELANIE:  I think there needs to be a … stabilizing force here. How about this? I won’t pull my dollars, but  I get to be a part of your morning show. And not just some two minute segment. I wanna be a  part of it.  

WILBERT:  I think June should stay.  

MELANIE:  On a probationary basis, sure. Kyle, too. But I want to be co-host.  

WILBERT:  June? My hands are kinda tied.  

JUNE:  Who do you think you are? Not just anyone can come in and do this well.  

MELANIE:  Kyle did! 

JUNE:  Yes. But being on the air … filling three hours of airtime with content that’s actually worthwhile  … it’s work!  

MELANIE:  Doubt me again, June. I dare you.  

(June is defeated, takes a moment.) 

JUNE:  You have to let me train you. 

MELANIE:  Of course. Give me a week or so to rearrange my schedule. We’ll be in touch! Buh-bye! 

(Melanie exits.) 

KYLE:  We have to get back on the air in a minute. You okay?

JUNE:  Let’s finish the show.  

(June resumes her spot, puts headset back on.) 

Guys. Please stop staring at me.  

Welcome back, Agate Cove. We are just full of surprises here at WCOV-FM. If your morning  coffee didn’t wake you, I’m sure Betty did. Looks like we have a beautiful weekend up ahead.  It’s almost patio season. As always, Mel’s Grocery has all your grilling needs and more … 

(End of Act One)

♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦ ♦

ACT TWO 

Scene One 

(Lights up on Sally’s porch. It’s ten days later. Evening. June is quietly stressing out. She pours herself a beer. Sally eyes June.) 

JUNE:  Stop watching me.  

SALLY:  I’m not! I’m just lookin’ to see if … makin’ sure the beer, ya know … I mean, I’m not watchin’  you.  

JUNE:  I had a breakdown during a very stressful time. It was a blockbuster—so now everyone’s expecting a sequel.  

SALLY:  I didn’t say—

JUNE:  (interrupts) You don’t have to.  

SALLY:  Just sayin’—

JUNE:  Mom! 

SALLY:  —that’s your third beer! You wanna be on your toes tomorrow. Don’t give that Melanie one reason to doubt you.  

JUNE:  This is it. I just needed to unwind. I’m anxious. I hate the feeling that someone’s got it in for me.  And she always has.  

SALLY:  Y’know, I took this workshop at the Senior Center about dealing with conflict. Boy, was that useful. They said no one ever sees themselves as a villain. It can help when you’re dealing with a prickly pear to remember they got their reasons, and most of the time, those reasons aren’t evil. 

JUNE:  Why has Melanie always hated me? It’s like we’re still 12 years old.  

SALLY:  Yah. What’d you do to her? 

JUNE:  What did I do to her? Breathed the same air? Wore the wrong clothes? I have no idea. 

SALLY:  Some people are just bullies. Or jealous. But they got their reasons. That’s what I learned. Even if those reasons don’t make a lot of sense to anyone else.  

JUNE:  And what’s with her owning half the businesses in town? Like, as a woman, I want to think that’s kickass. But it’s just Agate Cove. It’s not Wall Street. It’s just Melanie Boner’s fiefdom.  Who’s Mr. Boner, by the way? 

SALLY:  That’s a whole ‘nother can of worms. I only heard rumors about that.  

JUNE:  What are the rumors? 

SALLY:  I’m not spreadin’ gossip. I don’t know if it’s true. 

JUNE:  You’re just talking to your daughter. That’s not gossip. Who am I gonna tell? 

SALLY:  (Reluctantly) Hmm … okay. The rumor, okay, the rumor is … 

JUNE:  Yeah, yeah. I got it. 

SALLY:  The rumor is her husband is a cheater. Not just a fling here and there either. He’s the biggest runaround the western U.P.’s ever seen. Girl in every county’s what I heard. But it’s just a rumor.  

JUNE:  So she knows how it feels to be treated like shit. Good!

SALLY:  You sure you never did anything? Said anything?  

JUNE:  Yes, I’m sure! We started junior high when all the county schools come together, right? Second week of school, in art class, she started going out of her way to say mean things about everything from my hair to my clothes, to my taste in music. It was awful. And she never stopped, all through high school.  

SALLY:  Sorry you gotta deal with her again.  

JUNE:  I literally have no choice. Just like then. (Takes a swig of beer) And you refused to call the school. Or her parents.  

SALLY:  We let you fight your own battles! That’s what your dad always said.  

JUNE:  Even after she and her underlings pantsed me at homecoming. Started calling me June the Moon.  

SALLY:  Daddy had his reasons. I trusted him.  

JUNE:  (Pause.) So you took a conflict workshop?  

SALLY:  Yah. After your dad died I was always findin’ excuses to do things at the Senior Center.

JUNE:  Who were the “prickly pears” you were hoping to manage conflict with?

(Sally shoots June a look and swigs her own beer.) 

SALLY:  No one in particular.  

I started doin’ stuff there just to stay occupied. Get outta the house. Ended up makin’ new friends  I never expected. Learnin’ about all kinds of new things. My world kinda opened up, y’know?  Guess it was about time. 

JUNE:  Aren’t you the enlightened one? Share some of that new wisdom with your only child, would you?  

SALLY:  I can’t tell her what to do. She hates that.  

JUNE:  I could really use some answers though. Not just about the stupid radio job. I don’t know what to do. I don’t know what comes next.  

SALLY:  No senior center workshop covers that, Junebug. Except the one about heaven or hell the Catholics put on. That was a downer. Anyway. Your dad used to say, “Work hard. Be decent.  Nuff said.” I always liked that.  

JUNE:  Yeah.  

SALLY:  (Stands up) Well, I’m turnin’ in. All this enlightenment wears me out.  

JUNE:  Good night, Confucius. 

SALLY:  ‘Nighty night. Hey. Here’s a crazy thought. What if Melanie ain’t so bad? Maybe show her how  good you are at your job, by showin’ her how to be good at it. Lift her up. Who knows—maybe  she needs it. If it all goes to crap, hey, at least you can look back and say you took the high road.  (Heading inside) Make sure you turn off the porch light.  

(Sally exits.)  

(June sits and thinks.) 

(Lights fade.)

ACT TWO 

Scene Two

(Lights up on the station. Kyle is at the board while June paces.) 

KYLE:  Sit down. You look like a duck in one of those carnival shooting games.  

JUNE:  I can’t. I need to burn this anxiety off so I don’t throttle Melanie. I’m going to try to stay (she says through her teeth) positive.  

KYLE:  You should roll one of Wilbert’s chairs over here. 

JUNE:  Yeah, I guess she’ll need one. 

KYLE:  I’m talking about for you. You know she’s going to take your chair.  

JUNE:  The poofy chair? It’s the comfiest one here. 

KYLE:  My point exactly.  

(June frets as she crosses to get a new chair. As she wheels it back over, Melanie enters.) 

MELANIE:  Morning, you two! It’s like a regular high school reunion!  

JUNE:  I was just bringing you a chair, Melanie.  

(Melanie looks at both chairs.) 

MELANIE:  (Sitting on June’s chair) Oh, I’ll take this one if you don’t mind. It’s better for my back.  

(June gives a tight smile.)

KYLE:  (To June) Stay positive.  

JUNE:  Okay. So, Melanie … 

MELANIE:  Wait. Can I just say something?  

JUNE:  Sure. 

MELANIE:  I know this didn’t exactly happen the way … we all would have liked. But I really do have the  station’s best interests in mind. The community loves this station. And I’ve always wanted to  sort of … help it along. I think you’ll find I have great ideas. You might even like them! 

JUNE:  I’m … staying positive.  

KYLE:  What’s our rundown, June? We’re gonna need to test your levels, Melanie.  

MELANIE:  That’s to check how I sound, right? So I don’t sound all funky on the air? See, I know some of  the radio lingo.  

(June hands Kyle and Melanie a rundown, then sits.) 

KYLE:  Speak into the mic.  

MELANIE:  Oh. Okay. It’s go time, then.  

(Softly) Melanie Beau-noire here on WCOV-FM, Agate Cove. It’s, um, really nice outside today.  One of those days you understand why they call this God’s country—

KYLE:  (interrupts) You’re a little soft. Just talk in your normal voice.  

MELANIE:  (Too loud) Good morning, Agate Cove! I’m Melanie Boner! (Gasps) I mean, um …

KYLE:  Can you say that on the air? 

JUNE:  You can when it’s a personal noun. (Hands Melanie headphones) Here … put these on.  

MELANIE:  (Putting them on) Oh, just like the pros! Oh! That’s me!  

Oh … that’s what I sound like. I mean, I hear myself in my ads, but this … I sound so high and  so … nosey. 

JUNE:  Try not to worry about it. We’re just … having conversations. Okay?  

MELANIE:  (Clearly focused on the sound of her voice) O. Kay.  

JUNE:  Let’s take a look at this rundown. You listen to the show. You probably have an idea of what our order usually looks like. I’ll introduce you as our new morning show personality. You tell us a little about yourself.  

MELANIE:  But everyone knows me. 

JUNE:  I know you’re a real … pillar of the community. But not everyone in our listening area knows you. We’ve been getting calls from as far as Boggsville lately. We don’t need your life story.  Just why you’re excited to be here.  

MELANIE:  Well, if you insist.  

(June shoots Kyle a look.) 

JUNE:  It’s important to try and stay on track so we don’t ramble. For our first talk segment, I thought we should mention the return of Maxwell Street days this weekend. Sounds like the marching band is planning to parade down Main Street. Gray’s Dairy is giving away ice cream and cookies to kids. We talk about the history of Maxwell Street, then we ask folks what their favorite community event is. Nothing too hard-hitting on your first day. 

MELANIE:  Hmm. But does anyone really care about Maxwell Street Days and the history of it? I mean …  snore out loud. No offense.  

JUNE:  Did you have a story in mind? 

MELANIE:  The lawn bandit! 

JUNE:  Lawn bandit? 

MELANIE:  Someone’s been going around mixing and matching people’s lawn ornaments in the middle of the night!  

JUNE:  Stealing lawn ornaments? 

MELANIE:  Well, sort of. Estelle Martin has that whole family of Fanny Farmers bending over, you know?  On Shakkala Road as you come into town? She’s got the lady, the farmer, the kids, the cow, the whole shebang. Or she did.  

JUNE:  Did someone tip her cow? 

MELANIE:  No! Someone took the farmer and replaced it with Cindy Bartlebee’s giant lawn gnome! 

JUNE:  Let me guess, the farmer—

MELANIE:  (Interrupts) —bendin’ over Cindy’s flower garden!  

JUNE:  So are there other stories like this? 

MELANIE:  Well. No. But people have been talking about it a lot. 

JUNE:  Sounds like Estelle and Cindy got pranked. When it becomes a “rash” of pranks, we’ll cover it.  

MELANIE:  But—

JUNE:  (Thinking fast) —We also don’t want to give any ideas to copycat thieves. See what I mean? 

MELANIE:  Oh, yeah.  

KYLE:  It’s almost time.  

MELANIE:  Oh. I’m actually kinda nervous!  

JUNE:  It’ll be fine. Kyle will cue us in. Okay?  

(Kyle and June exchange a “here goes nothing” look.) 

JUNE:  Happy Monday morning, Agate Cove. You’re tuned in to WCOV-FM. I’m Junie T. with producer Kyle at the helm on this gorgeous day. Today we also welcome a new member of the morning team. She is a familiar face to many of us as she’s the driving force behind a handful of local businesses—  

MELANIE: —Six. Six local businesses.  

JUNE:  Uh … yes. Who could forget? Let’s welcome Melanie Beau-noire to the WCOV Morning Crew.  Good morning, Melanie.  

MELANIE:  Good morning, June. I’m just so excited to be here. This past weekend we were finishing up  inventory at M and M Plumbing, where we just got a new shipment of … get this … motion  detection faucets! Can you believe it? Just like the ones in the gas station bathrooms!  

JUNE:  Wow, Melanie. In less than ten seconds, you managed to score yourself a live endorsement. Let’s take it out of her check, Kyle.  

MELANIE:  Oh, I don’t think you’d dare, June. Even if you did have any say in the matter. Ha ha. Just be glad I didn’t make you all hungry by mentioning the fresh bakery at Mel’s Grocery Hub.  

JUNE:  (Painful fake laugh) Okay … if you’re going to taunt us, at least bring in some samples, Melanie.  

MELANIE:  You’re funny. I don’t think either of us need the extra calories, June.  

JUNE:  Thanks for looking out for me. Anyway, Maxwell Street Days is returning to Agate Cove—

MELANIE: (Interrupts) —Before we talk about Maxwell Street Days, June, I brought in a little something special to share, speaking of bakery. In the last few years, our bakers at Mel’s Grocery Hub have really gotten a following for their Grandma’s Mistakes bars. I was able to pull a favor and get them to share the recipe!  

JUNE:  On our new Facebook page, you mean! That’s a great idea, Melanie! I know you don’t want to read an entire recipe. Out loud. On the air. If you haven’t already liked us—

MELANIE: (Interrupts) —Not everyone trolls around on Facebook, June. Now who’s with me? Who wants to hear the  recipe right here on the air? Get your pens ready! Give us a call and tell Kyle you want to hear  the recipe! 

JUNE:  (Seething) Or send us your email address and Melanie will send it to you personally— (The studio line rings. Kyle answers.) 

KYLE:  WCOV … okay then.  

(He hangs up. The phone rings immediately.) 

One for reading the recipe now … (answering) WCOV … yep, thanks. (Hangs up.)

(Uneasy) That’s another one. 

(The phone continues to ring through the following. We don’t have to hear Kyle to get the gist of the calls.) 

MELANIE:  I think our listeners have spoken, June.  

JUNE:  Great. (Through a tight smile) I can’t wait to hear what’s in these scrumptious treats.  

MELANIE:  Got your pens out? Okay, here are the ingredients … (slowly) two sticks of thawed, unsalted  butter … three-quarters cup baking cocoa … (as lights fade) one cup quick cook oatmeal … two cups sugar … one teaspoon vanilla extract … 

(Lights out.) 

(Lights back up. Two hours later.) 

(The phone has stopped ringing.) 

MELANIE:  (Talking directly to a listener/caller) … Really? Now, remember what happened with the flower  pots on Main Street a couple years ago. For all we know it’s the same vandals.  

(June is staring at Kyle, dumbfounded.) 

CALLER/ESTELLE:  (Voice only) Y’know it might seem like a prank to these people, but I had a real emotional attachment to my  Fanny Farmer farmer.  

MELANIE:  Well, he was the first of the collection, right? 

CALLER/ESTELLE:  (Voice only) Yah! It all started with him. Then I added his wife, then the kids, then the cow, then the dog…

(June is pissed.) 

MELANIE:  And Cindy loves that gnome! I was talking to her in the bank a few days ago and I know she was  just heartbroke. But back to my point about the flower pot vandals. I mean, they never caught the  perps, right? It’s the same kind of selfish, destructive behavior … I think it tracks. 

(Kyle points to his watch.) 

JUNE:  Well, we’ll have to solve this mystery another day, Melanie. Thanks for calling in, Estelle. I truly  hope your farmer stays in your yard from now on. 

We didn’t get around to talking about Maxwell Street Days today or (rifles through papers), the  actual weather forecast or any of your favorite community events. So remember that Maxwell  Street Days is coming up this weekend. Check out the Agate Cove Chamber of Commerce  website or Welcome to Agate Cove on Facebook for a full list of events and sponsors.  

MELANIE:  Or stop by Mel’s Grocery Hub, Melanie’s Diner or Agate Cove Souvenirs for a special  refrigerator magnet listing the events.  

JUNE:  And aren’t we all so glad to welcome Melanie Boner to WCOV-FM. Join us again tomorrow. Up next is news and music. Make it a great day, Agate Cove.  

(June slowly removes her headphones as she fights to keep her cool.) 

MELANIE:  (Removing her headphones) Well, I think that went well!  

(Wilbert enters. He is livelier than we’ve seen him.) 

WILBERT:  Morning, morning crew! How goes it? 

JUNE:  (Smiling through gritted teeth) Great. Just great. 

MELANIE:  Wilbert, were you listening? Was it as good as I think it was?  

WILBERT:  It, uh, it was a show, that’s for sure! 

KYLE:  Wilbert. You look downright spry this morning.  

WILBERT:  I tell ya, Kyle, I’m this close …

(Wilbert holds his finger and thumb together and does a little jig.) 

… to closin’ a sale with Fricker Propane.  

JUNE:  Fricker Propane? Uh, well, that’s great, Wilbert. New business is important. 

MELANIE:  Oh, Wilbert. You’ve been trying to get them to advertise for years. Once a year they take pity on poor Wilbert and give him a meeting. He does a proposal. They say no.  

WILBERT:  Well, Melanie … I got news for you. Ol’ man Fricker has his grandson running the business and young man Fricker majored in marketing. And he likes radio. And ah, now that June got us set up on the Facebook, we can do cross-promotions and whatnot. He’s more than interested.  Woohoo. I just might treat myself to one of them fancy beers down at Rummy’s tonight.  

MELANIE:  Don’t get your hopes up, Wilbert. And when, I mean if, it doesn’t come through, this station always has me. Thanks for a great show today, June. Can you try to work in something about grilling safety in tomorrow’s rundown?  

JUNE:  Grilling safety? Melanie, I don’t think—

MELANIE:  (Interrupts) —Sorry, June. I have to go sign for a delivery at my grocery store. See you tomorrow morning.  Email me the rundown when you get a sec! 

(She exits.) 

(June stands there, too angry to speak … at first.) 

(Wilbert calmly strolls over to fill his coffee cup.)  

KYLE:  Uh-oh.  

JUNE:  I don’t care. I don’t care. Right? Why should I care? It’s just a job. Nothing. It’s only my life’s work. The ONE thing I’m good at. The ONE thing I can come back to LITERALLY ANYWHERE. Even here! The one place I never wanted to crawl back to. It sucked. I didn’t want to, but I could. I thought maybe I could maybe start to feel normal, like me, like I can still do this. And I was. And now … GAAAHHHH!  

(June looks around for something to destroy. She picks up a sweater Melanie sweater left behind. She pulls on it, trying to rip it but it’s a hearty knit. She  throws it across the room. Kyle looks on, unsure how to help. Wilbert watches calmly, almost like he has a secret. June catches her breath.) 

JUNE:  I’m sorry. I think maybe I oughta go home.  

KYLE:  You need anything?  

JUNE:  What I needed was a fresh start.  

WILBERT:  Go on home, June. But hey, I’d like to impart some wisdom if I could.  

JUNE:  I’m not looking for advice right now, Wilbert.  

WILBERT:  Nah, it ain’t advice. Just that … sometimes trouble has a way of … taking care of itself, paving its own way to what’s right. Sometimes you gotta play the long game.  

JUNE:  How much longer?  

KYLE:  Can I drive you home? 

JUNE:  I’m okay, Kyle. I’ll see you tomorrow. 

(June exits.) 

(Kyle takes a step after her and stops.) 

(Lights fade.)

ACT TWO 

Scene Three 

(A few days later. A doctor’s office waiting room. Kyle is seated, reading a magazine.) 

(Sally enters and sits by him.) 

SALLY:  Kyle Pile! It’s nice to see you. 

KYLE:  Hey, Sally. I brought my mom. How are you? 

SALLY:  Oh, just fine. Just here to get my ear wax flushed out. Y’know.  

KYLE:  Yeah. Plugged ears are no fun. 

SALLY:  (Straining) What’s that? 

KYLE:  (Louder) I said plugged ears are no … fun. 

(Sally is laughing.) 

SALLY:  Gotcha. Nah, I can hear for the most part. Just dang annoying. So tell me, how is your ma? 

KYLE:  Cranky. Annoyed. Y’know. A ray of sunshine. 

SALLY:  Tell her to come by the Senior Center. I’ll tell ya, I can honestly say … they got something for everyone … changed my life. I’ll call her and invite her if you think she’d like that.  

KYLE:  Worth a try. She won’t listen to me. 

SALLY:  Well, she lived alone a long time. Sure it’s hard for her.  

KYLE:  Yeah. 

SALLY:  So. How about the other cantankerous woman we know? 

KYLE:  I can’t imagine who you mean. 

SALLY:  (Laughing) You still got that dry wit. Y’know, that’s what June always said about you. She used to say you were the funniest person she knew.  

KYLE:  She did, huh? 

SALLY:  She still does. Boy, were you a godsend to her at that station. I’m sure she hasn’t said so. 

KYLE:  No, but I think she likes having me there. She knows I like her, I mean … that I like having something to do. Work. Getting out of the house. I know, she knows. Yeah. 

SALLY:  (Knowingly) M-hm. (Pause.) She had a rough time there, y’know.  

KYLE:  Yeah. I heard.  

SALLY:  That Sten, her first husband, nice enough guy but … he didn’t like her career. She was gonna  follow that dream, even if she had to bounce around. That’s her industry, y’know? Guess he wanted a different kinda girl. Broke her heart pretty bad. When she started making big bucks, she started spending it too. We didn’t have much when she was growin’ up so she was makin’ up for it, I s’pose. Racked up debt. Married that slimebag Rick. Then he left. She was winnin’ awards but livin’ paycheck to paycheck and dodgin’ debt collectors.  

KYLE:  That’s rough. Money problems take a toll. 

SALLY:  Well. If you ask me—she sure won’t–she’s so busy lookin’ for what’s next or what’s better, she doesn’t see what’s good around her. She never stops to take a breath.  

KYLE:  Maybe she thinks she doesn’t deserve it.  

SALLY:  I heard you had a pretty hard stretch too.  

KYLE:  I was every country song cliché rolled into one for a while. Now I just drive a truck and occasionally cry into a beer.  

SALLY:  I think she was startin’ to get her sea legs back. Then that Melanie had to weasel her way in.  

KYLE:  I think they both need to let go of high school. It was literally decades ago. Move on. 

SALLY:  Bullheaded little girls with their heels dug in. Oh, looks like I’m up.  

KYLE:  Enjoy your … treatment.  

SALLY:  Nice to see you, Kyle. You oughta stop by again.  

KYLE:  Should I bring another pie? 

SALLY:  It can’t hurt. ‘Specially if you bring key lime.  

(Kyle ponders as Sally exits.) 

(Lights fade.)

ACT TWO 

Scene Four 

(The station, two weeks later.  June, Melanie and Kyle are on the air, seated at the console. Melanie is  having a great time. June seethes quietly.) 

MELANIE:  This next segment is brought to you by Agate Cove Souvenirs, where memories CAN be bought and sold. Stop by this weekend for their handcrafted jewelry sale, with jewelry designed by local artisans. This Saturday only—say you listened to the show and get a five percent discount! You might say I’m in good with the owner. Right, June?  

(June musters a slight grin and nods.) 

I suppose it’s time we move on. What do we have next, June? 

(June’s expression says ‘This is painful …’) 

JUNE:  B six. Once again, that’s B six.  

MELANIE:  Someone’s gonna have a Bingo soon. I can just feel it. 

JUNE:  N twelve. That’s N twelve.  

MELANIE:  Is that N as in Nancy or M as in Mary? 

JUNE:  There’s no M in Bingo, Melanie. 

MELANIE:  Oops. Carry on. 

JUNE:  G sixteen. Once again, that’s G sixteen.  

MELANIE:  We should play the Jeopardy theme. Kyle, can you play that?

KYLE:  I’ll get right on that.  

JUNE:  O forty-two. O forty-two.  

MELANIE:  Oh, forty-two, you’re not so old. (Laughs at her own joke.) 

(The station line rings. Kyle picks up.) 

Oh, I think we have a bingo. How exciting! Put them on the air, Kyle! 

Hello, there! Hi! Who is this? Do you have a bingo? 

CALLER/AMY: (Voice only) What? No! My name is Amy and I do not have a Bingo! 

MELANIE:  Oh, well … sorry, we’ve got to keep the line open for Bingo winners. Bye! 

(Kyle kills the call, shrugs.) 

KYLE:  Wrong number? 

MELANIE:  Sorry, Amy!  

(The phone rings again.) 

Here’s our first winner of radio bingo, I bet! 

(Kyle picks up.) 

KYLE:  WCOV … you’re on the air. 

MELANIE:  Hi! Who’s calling and do you have a bingo? 

CALLER/BILL: (Voice only) My name is Bill and I wanna talk about your radio bingo here. 

MELANIE:  Oh, did you fill up your card, Bill? 

CALLER/BILL: (Voice only) No! I’m calling because I want to know what you’re doing. Radio bingo? You’re the only station  I get in halfway decent out here on 30 mile Road and you guys were just starting to sound like you knew what you’re doin’. Who wants to listen to this crap?  

(Melanie is aghast.) 

JUNE:  Thank you for calling in, Bill. We appreciate your tuning in and taking the time to give us your feedback.  

CALLER/BILL: (Voice only)  Oh, I got plenty of feedback! 

JUNE:  (Cautiously optimistic) Well. Drop us a line via email or on Facebook, Bill. I’d like to open up the lines and see what others think? Consider this your forum. Your marketplace. Give us a call. 

(The phone rings. Kyle picks up.) 

KYLE:  WCOV, you’re on the air.  

CALLER/AMY: (Voice only) Yeah, hi! It’s me, Amy in Pinevale again. That wasn’t a wrong number. Y’know, I majored in  broadcasting and I know good and bad radio. And this is terrible! June, you’re legit! I listened to  you when I went to Wayne State! Why the hell are you reading freaking Bingo numbers? Who  wants to listen to this trash? 

MELANIE:  Amy, I bet you have a grandmother who just loves it! 

CALLER/AMY: (Voice only) You mean my grandmother who has a gambling problem? Oh, yeah! This is exactly what she  needs!  

(Melanie is at a loss as the phone continues to ring.) 

KYLE:  WCOV, you’re on the air …

JUNE:  I’m so sorry to hear that, Amy. I hope your grandma has a great support system. Our phone lines  (Kyle holds up one finger) … our phone line is burning up. We’d love to hear your thoughts … who am I talking to now? 

CALLER/TOM: (Voice only) Yah, this is Tom out Covington Way.  

JUNE:  What are your thoughts on radio bingo?  

CALLER/TOM: (Voice only) My wife used to play it when youse had it on years ago.  

JUNE:  So she was a fan? 

CALLER/TOM: (Voice only)  For a while. She and her girlfriends played a little but it wore out its welcome pretty quick. In  fact they turned it into a drinking game.  

JUNE:  A drinking game? 

CALLER/TOM: (Voice only) Yah. Every time a B number was called out, they’d do a shot of brandy. Or another time it might  be a shot of gin for every G number. They’d be bombed by 10am. It was gettin’ to be a real  problem.  

(Wilbert enters, hoisting a two-liter of ginger ale in celebration.) 

KYLE:  (To June, smiling) Almost out of time.  

JUNE:  (Smugly, to Melanie) We are so glad you called in and gave us your feedback today. It’s good to know your real feelings about the station and our return to radio bingo. You listen to us. We  listen to you. We are your station, Agate Cove. And Pinevale. And Boggsville. And Covington. Have a great day. 

KYLE:  And we’re out. Is that Vernor’s? 

MELANIE:  Why are you so happy? This isn’t a time for ginger ale, Wilbert! 

WILBERT:  I beg to differ. Melanie. But it’s a little early for champagne.  

(Wilbert opens the ginger ale.) 

MELANIE:  That is not how you talk to your station’s biggest advertiser.  

WILBERT:  Well, you got a point there, Melanie.  

MELANIE:  I don’t believe for one minute those people calling weren’t planted or something. This was all fake. You can’t lie to me!  

KYLE:  Wilbert, what’s going on? 

WILBERT:  (Pours ginger ale into coffee cups) A toast … to our biggest advertiser.  

JUNE:  Oh. Fracker signed?  

WILBERT:  Not yet. 

MELANIE:  Oh, Wilbert! Stop kidding yourself! They’re never gonna sign with you! We’re small potatoes to a big outfit like them!  

WILBERT:  You’re right about one part Melanie. They’re never gonna sign with us on one condition. But I’ll  get to that. Morning crew, I’d like to raise a toast to our newest client, S and R Timber! Three  year contract, seven days a week, one remote a month.  

(Wilbert holds up the signed contract.)

JUNE:  The big logging equipment chain? Powersaws and stuff?  

WILBERT:  That, they are, June.  

JUNE:  (Reading contract) Holy shit, Wilbert! Congratulations!  

MELANIE:  That is not fair, Wilbert! I’m going to call and tell them you just disclosed their contract details to another client. I’ll call and tell them about the terrible way you treat your advertisers! 

JUNE:  Wilbert, what about Fracker, then? 

WILBERT:  Thanks for asking, June. Fracker wants to sign, but only on one condition.  

JUNE:  What condition?  

WILBERT:  The morning show goes back to what you were doing, June. Melanie, they won’t sign unless it’s just June here on the air. They never advertised with us before ‘cause they, well, they thought we were a joke. June made us sound the way a radio station oughta sound. Professional. 

MELANIE:  After all I have done for this station! You can’t treat me this way. People will revolt, Wilbert.  This town. THEY LOVE ME! 

WILBERT:  After all you’ve done? Throwing tantrums and demanding this and that? Threatening to pull your advertising every time we made a programming change you didn’t like?  

MELANIE:  I have kept this station afloat for years! 

WILBERT:  Thank you for your business.  

MELANIE:  (To June) This is all you! You put him up to this!

WILBERT:  I gave June a shot. And she gave the station one in the arm. Freed me up to do what I’m good at, the business part. That’s what radio is, Melanie. A business! Now we got listeners from all over the county! That’s all June.  

MELANIE:  Fine. Maybe I’ll just pull my ads … for all my businesses.  

WILBERT:  That’s how she goes. Now about this toast … 

(Wilbert raises his mug. June and Kyle follow.) 

To new clients. And new beginnings.  

KYLE:  To June.  

WILBERT:  To June.  

(June is moved. They clink mugs.) 

JUNE:  Cheers.  

MELANIE:  Well, good luck when she loses her shit on the air again. I’ll be waiting for it.  

JUNE:  That’s it, Boner! Gloves off.  

(Hands cup to Kyle) Hold my ginger ale.  

MELANIE:  Everybody knows you came back here with your tail between your legs. Always acting like you were so much smarter than everybody. Now you’re a full-on failure.  

JUNE:  Well, you’re a full-on nasty-ass, fake smiling, prima donna duchess of bitchdom! And you’ve reigned over it since junior high!

MELANIE:  You’re still stuck in junior high. Right back in Agate Cove is right where you belong.  

JUNE:  At least I saw some of the world. High school never did end for you, did it? Still pushing people  around, acting like the queen of your fiefdom.  

MELANIE:  My what? 

JUNE:  Fiefdom. It means a small kingdom where … What it means is after all this time, you’re still a bully.  

MELANIE:  I am not a bully. You’re the bully. 

JUNE:  You’re the same girl who made fun of me because my family didn’t have money.  

MELANIE:  You’re the same girl who never washed her hair. 

JUNE:  You dressed up as me for Halloween! 

MELANIE:  You called me Airhead Barbie. 

JUNE:  You nicknamed me Free Lunch! 

MELANIE:  You turned people against me! 

JUNE:  You pulled down my pants in front of the whole school! 

MELANIE:  I’d do it again. June the Moon!  

JUNE:  You’re awful! No wonder your husband cheats on you! 

MELANIE:  Liar! You’re a liar!  

(Melanie is wounded.) 

JUNE:  How does it feel to be humiliated? Mrs. Boner? 

MELANIE:  About the same as it felt when you told everyone at school my mom was a drunk.  

JUNE:  (Pause.) What? I never … 

MELANIE:  You did!  

JUNE:  Melanie, how would I even … (remembers something) oh.  

MELANIE:  Your dad was in A.A. with my mom. He and some of their … friends … came and cleaned her up when she fell off the wagon. First day of seventh grade, you told everyone.  

JUNE:  I told Sandy Gleason! Wait. Sandy the mouth. Who then … told everyone … Shit.  

MELANIE:  Anyway, have fun with your consolation prize. That’s what this job is to you, right? This town?  So much better than us. Well, June. Welcome to your new low.  

Wilbert, when she has another breakdown on the air, and your new clients pull out, don’t call  me.  

(Melanie exits.) 

(June ponders this. Kyle hands back her mug.) 

JUNE:  I need something stronger. 

(Lights fade.)

ACT TWO 

Scene Five 

(Hanson’s Saloon. Late morning. Lights up on two stools and a small section of the bar. Melanie is sipping  a glass of wine. She looks upward, at a TV we don’t see.)  

(June, carrying a beer, looking at TV, approaches and sits by Melanie.)  

JUNE:  My dad loved westerns.  

(Melanie doesn’t look at her.  June ponders leaving. She sips her beer. This is not easy.) 

I can’t believe I’m about to say this to you. After all these years. But … I’m sorry, Melanie.  

MELANIE:  Yah, sure.  

JUNE:  I don’t get the years of wicked revenge. But I started it. I really didn’t know.  

MELANIE:  Just stop. We’re not gonna suddenly be friends.  

JUNE:  I don’t wanna be your friend.  

MELANIE:  I don’t wanna be your friend. 

JUNE:  Good. (Pause.) Wow. Listen to us.  

MELANIE:  I don’t have to listen to you. Or the station. Ever again. I gave so much. I thought if I kept giving more, maybe … no. I’m not talking to you. 

JUNE:  You don’t have to accept my apology. And I won’t expect one from you. I dreamed of this day,  you know. Telling you off. Finally telling you how much you hurt me. I used to dread going to  school. What nickname was going to start today? What new story about how gross I am? And  you were the popular girl so everyone went along. I couldn’t wait to leave Agate Cove, become 

famous, win an award and call you out by name on national television. “Look at me now,  Melanie Bingman.” I never understood what made me such a target for you. Now I know.  

(They sip their drinks and watch the TV.) 

MELANIE:  Popular doesn’t mean lucky. It’s just what you see. 

JUNE:  Seems pretty lucky when you’re on the other side.  

MELANIE:  She fell off the wagon so many times. Nobody knew, not really. Her girlfriends knew she liked her cosmos, but they didn’t know she kept at it when she got home from girl’s night. Once I had to clean up after her when she … it was a secret. I kept it for her. Then you blabbed it.  

JUNE:  Sally was my friend. I didn’t know! 

MELANIE:  Her nickname was Sally the Mouth!  

JUNE:  She was loud too. I mean … ugh. My dad had some rough years too. But he was a good guy.  

MELANIE:  My mom is a good person! Sober twenty years now. 

JUNE:  Of course! I’m sorry. I feel weird having this conversation over drinks.  

MELANIE:  Are you an alcoholic? 

JUNE:  No.

MELANIE:  Then it’s not weird. We’re not our parents.  

JUNE:  True enough.  

MELANIE:  If I apologized, could I have a segment on the show?  

JUNE:  Why do you even want this? You have so much else to do. 

MELANIE:  Because Peter told me I can’t! I want to prove I can! Okay? 

JUNE:  Look. Let Wilbert enjoy his big sale.  

MELANIE:  My husband calls me a busybody. I’m not trying to be. I just like to keep things under control.  

JUNE:  My dad used to say you can’t control anyone but you. Controlling anyone else is “too much goddamn work.”  

MELANIE:  I’m not an idiot. I just … love him.  

(We hear a recording of June’s full-body sob from her on-air breakdown in Cincinnati—it’s Melanie’s phone.) 

I made it my ringtone. I need to go.  

(Melanie steps off her bar stool. She starts to walk away.) 

(June picks up her phone, baffled by a message notification.) 

I accept your apology.  

JUNE:  Um, okay. (Pause.) And? 

MELANIE:  What?

JUNE:  What do you mean, what? I made one mistake. You verbally tortured me for years. I’ve spent my life trying to prove I wasn’t June the Moon!  

MELANIE:  That’s not my fault.  

JUNE:  Yes! It is! You humiliated me on purpose. Do you know what that’s like? 

MELANIE:  Of course I do! Having to clean up your mom’s vomit and tell your sleepover friend she has a stomach condition? Hoping they’re not onto you?  

JUNE:  I embarrassed you once. You made my life hell.  

(June turns away in disgust, sees another message on her phone.) 

(Melanie ponders.) 

MELANIE:  Maybe you have a point.  

JUNE:  Just go, Melanie. We don’t have to deal with each other ever again.  

MELANIE:  I’m sorry.  

(Melanie bolts.) 

JUNE:  Good! I’m still sorry too!  

(June turns back to her beer and her phone.) 

(Kyle enters.) 

KYLE:  What, no broken glass?

JUNE:  I think Melanie and I just aged about 20 years. In a good way? 

KYLE:  Maturity suits you.  

JUNE:  I didn’t even laugh when I realized her husband’s name is Peter Boner. 

(June glances at her phone again, curious.) 

KYLE:  Everything okay? 

JUNE:  Yeah. An old friend of mine keeps texting me.  

KYLE:  You never talk about your friends.  

JUNE:  So many were in the industry. I haven’t wanted to talk to anyone.  

KYLE:  Why? They’re your friends, aren’t they? 

JUNE:  Conditional friends. Work friends. Some were real. I needed to move forward.  

KYLE:  I get that.  

JUNE:  Anyway. I can’t remember the last time I was in a bar during the day … or in any bar.  

KYLE:  There’s a supper club out on Fern Lake. I heard they have a great view. I mean, good food too … 

JUNE:  What is a supper club? What does that mean? 

KYLE:  I don’t know. I think it’s a Wisconsin thing we stole. Anyway, the place is called Watershed.

JUNE:  I still can’t believe Wilbert today. He really went to bat for me.  

KYLE:  Why can’t you believe it? 

JUNE:  I started this job out of desperation. I hated myself for taking it, like I was letting myself down.  I’m sure it showed. Wilbert took my side. I’m not used to that. 

KYLE:  Really?  

JUNE:  Yeah.  

KYLE:  You’ve always had people on your side, June.  

JUNE:  Who, like my mom? Carrie? You? 

KYLE:  Maybe. Isn’t that good enough?  

JUNE:  I’m not saying that—

KYLE:  Yeah, you are! You think your mom didn’t love having that house to herself before you came back? But you needed to come home, so … she made it work. Even way back, you were always talking about how you had nothing here and how you couldn’t wait to get away. Well, you did.  

And that’s great. Truly. But it’s like you never thought twice about people who cared about you.  The ones who weren’t afraid to tell Melanie and her cronies to leave you alone.  

JUNE:  Because it was mortifying! Having to dust myself off in front of you all the time. 

KYLE:  It happened in front of us because we were there with you.  

JUNE:  I’m selfish too. I guess I deserve everything I’ve been through then.

KYLE:  I’m not saying that—

JUNE:  What other sins of my past are going to come up today? 

(June’s phone rings. She answers.) 

Jerome! You are persistent! Tell me. What horrible thing did I do to you?  (June listens.) 

No, it’s just … been a long day and it’s barely one o’clock. What in the world is up? … Yeah, I’ve heard. That’s awesome. You’re a hard worker and you deserve it all.  … M-hm. Wait. What?  

(Kyle observes.) 

You’re kidding. After Cincinnati, I mean you can’t possibly …  

(June puts her hand to her mouth and gets emotional.) 

(Kyle moves closer to June.) 

When? Please don’t say this is a joke … why me?  

(She listens, a little overcome.) I’m just so surprised. Can I … take a day?  Jerome, you have no idea what this means to me … Okay. Right. Bye.  

(June stands there.) 

My old production assistant from years and cities ago. When I was in Detroit. He’s huge now.  He’s got the number one morning show in the Twin Cities and a podcast.  

KYLE:  Twin Cities? 

JUNE:  He’s building a team. Writing, on-air. He says I took a chance on him. And he wants to take a chance on me. 

KYLE:  Of course. Well, that’s great for you.  

JUNE:  Everything you said … 

KYLE:  I was wrong. Well, no. I wasn’t. But … this sounds like a new chance, I guess. A real one.  

JUNE:  Oh, no. (Pause.) The station. Wilbert.  

KYLE:  Yeah. Wilbert.  

JUNE:  Can you … not say anything?  

KYLE:  Sure. Of course.  

JUNE:  I need to get home before anything else happens. Holy crap. You wanna walk with me? Around the block? I need to clear my head.  

KYLE:  No. Go think. Go get your life back. 

(June exits.) 

(Lights out.)

ACT TWO 

Scene Six
 

(Lights up at the station. A weekend has passed. Monday’s show is coming to a close. Kyle is at the console. June enjoys running the show. Wilbert works at his desk.) 

JUNE:  And before we sign off today, we want to congratulate Agate Cove’s own Bonnie Parker for  (reading) winning the Midwest Living Magazine pie contest! Bonnie will be featured on  Midwest Living’s YouTube channel where she’ll demonstrate her triple berry pie technique, of  course using berries grown right here in Agate Cove. Bonnie also wins a full Le Creuset baking  dish set and a weekend getaway to … to Belcherville.  

Okay. Well, thank you, Bonnie, for putting Agate Cove on the map. Tune in tomorrow morning  for a conversation about new EPA regulations that may affect those who burn their trash at  home. And we’ll talk to former Michigan State football coach Sam Anderson about his  predictions for the upcoming football season.  

(Kyle gives her the wrap-up signal.) 

Thank you, Agate Cove. Thank you, sponsors, and thank you, Kyle Pile for up and learning to  produce a radio show.  

Friends … this is Junie T for WCOV-FM. Make it a great week.  

(The show wraps up. June removes her headset.) 

KYLE:  You didn’t have to say that.  

JUNE:  Yeah. I did. Wilbert, how are you feeling? 

WILBERT:  Well, I got this meeting with Fracker to go finalize the contract. Fracker Junior just texted me  and said he liked the show this morning.  

JUNE:  Whew!

WILBERT:  I think I need to make some changes around here.  

JUNE:  Yeah? Maybe it’s time to remove another of your hats? 

WILBERT:  I think my clients like my hats.  

JUNE:  I meant—

WILBERT:  —I’m pulling your leg, June.  

JUNE:  You’re a one-man show, Wilbert. 

WILBERT:  Those days are done. With these new contracts, I think I can hire a part-time traffic manager to run the schedule. And maybe a new account exec. Bring in some more money.  

JUNE:  Will Marie be cool with the new hires? 

WILBERT:  If the station’s making money and she can stay in Florida, she’s happy as a clam. Speaking of money, I better head out for the big presentation.  

JUNE:  One second, Wilbert. Kyle, Wilbert … I’d like to invite you to my mom’s place this evening. I have something exciting to share with you.  

KYLE:  June, I think you should just tell us now. Before Wilbert goes to sign his new client that wants  you on the air.  

JUNE:  Kyle, Wilbert has business to do. I’d like you both to come to my mom’s at 7 tonight. Please.  

WILBERT:  Yah! I’ll be there. I’ll swing by that Jerry’s Meat Shack for hors d’oeuvres!

JUNE:  You do that. Just be there at 7. We’ll also be sampling my mom’s first batch of home brew. So be forewarned … 

WILBERT:  Your mom’s a brewmistress, eh? Well. I’ll see ya later, June. Have a gooder, Kyle.  (Wilbert exits.) 

(Kyle quietly walks away from June.) 

JUNE:  You’re coming, right?  

KYLE:  To help Wilbert figure out what he’ll do next? Yeah, that seems like the decent thing to do. 

JUNE:  Kyle, come on. 

KYLE:  I’m sorry, June. I know you have a big new thing you get to leave and go do. And I’m happy for you. I am. But you let Wilbert go off and sign this client? Without telling him your plans? Now he’ll have to backtrack to them, possibly lose this client, have Melanie gloating … you helped build this place up and now you’re just gonna desert it! That’s shitty, June.  

JUNE:  I think I see what you’re saying.  

KYLE:  I suppose you’ll want me to bring pie! 

JUNE:  Just be there by 7. Pie would be great.  

(June exits.) 

(Lights fade.)

ACT TWO 

Scene Seven 

(Sally’s front porch and yard that evening. Sally and June stand at a table, putting labels on beer bottles.) 

SALLY:  I’m a little nervous. This is my first batch, y’know.  

JUNE:  Well, if it’s bad, hey, you can unload some of it tonight. If it’s good—more to enjoy. 

SALLY:  You’re awful chipper.  

JUNE:  Well, I’ve had what marketers call a paradigm shift.  

SALLY:  Sounds like math. 

JUNE:  Not really. It’s just changing the way you see something.  

SALLY:  Paradigm shift, eh? Huh. Like me and the Senior Center. I used to think that place was just a bunch of old bitties and old coots looking for a way to kill time. And y’know what? I was right.  

JUNE:  Mom. You love the Senior Center. 

SALLY:  You’re darn right. Know why?  

JUNE:  Why? 

SALLY:  ‘Cause I’m an old bittie and they got FUN ways to kill time! 

(Kyle enters the yard.)

SALLY:  Kyle Pile!  

KYLE:  Hi, Sally.  

(Kyle thrusts a pie at June.) 

Pie of the month. 

JUNE:  (Opens the box) Ooh, looks like key lime. 

KYLE:  It’s bitter. 

JUNE:  Perfect for me then, I guess.  

SALLY:  Want a beer, Kyle? 

KYLE:  (Accepting) You brewed this, huh, Sally? 

SALLY:  Sure did. Here’s a bottle opener. Okay, June. You take one too. It’s the moment of truth.  

(They take turns opening their beer bottles throughout the following conversation.) 

JUNE:  I hope Wilbert gets here soon. And Carrie. 

SALLY:  Carrie? You called Carrie? 

JUNE:  I figured it was about time. She wasn’t sure she’d make it. If not, we’ll get coffee next weekend.  

SALLY:  Nice girl, that Carrie.  

(Wilbert enters the yard. He carries a paper sack.)

JUNE:  Well, if it isn’t the man of the hour! Get your contracts signed, Wilbert? 

(Kyle shoots her a look.) 

WILBERT:  Sure did! I gotta tell you, June. I never made a sale like that before. And they pre-paid the first month. I almost wept. 

KYLE:  I think Wilbert deserves a beer. 

(June hands Wilbert a beer and the opener.) 

SALLY:  So you’re Wilbert.  

(Wilbert awkwardly removes his hat. He hands her the paper bag.) 

WILBERT:  Yah, that’s me. For the hostess.  

SALLY:  Thank you.  

JUNE:  Should we try the beer? 

WILBERT:  Uh … could I have a glass? 

(This is like music to Sally’s ears.) 

SALLY:  Oh, you betcha, you can! June, get everyone a glass.  

(June pulls out some beer glasses, hands them out and everyone 

pours throughout the following conversation.) 

WILBERT:  Sorry to be picky. It’s just better in a glass. The aroma’s part of the—

SALLY: (together with Wilbert)—Part of the taste! Yah!

WILBERT:  Now this looks like a red ale.

SALLY: Thank goodness. ‘Cause that’s what it is! Well … let’s hope so anyway. That was the recipe I followed.

(Wilbert inspects the beer.)

WILBERT:  Nice deep amber color. Tannish head, pretty foamy but that’s probably my pour.

(He sniffs the beer. Suddenly he’s all sophistication.)

Hm. Moderate malt aroma. Hints of caramel. That’s nice. Notes of a toasted toffee.

(June and Kyle exchange a glance.)

SALLY:  You know your beer!

WILBERT:  I took some classes at JCC. Haven’t brewed in a long time though.

SALLY:  Well, you gave us a preview. Now let’s watch the movie.

JUNE:  Wait! I have something to say first. Thank you, guys, for coming tonight. I have some news I’m excited to tell you.

(Kyle shakes his head.)

I’m moving.

WILBERT:  You’re moving?

JUNE:  I figured it was time and something just fell into my lap.

SALLY:  Boy, did it! She got a deal!

WILBERT:  Where … where ya moving to?

JUNE:  Spar Street.

(Kyle looks at her.)

My mom’s been awesome. And she’d let me stay longer. But I know she likes having her house to herself sometimes too. And I’ll just be a mile away.

KYLE:  You’re staying.

JUNE:  I just wanted to tell you both. I wasn’t thrilled to return home. I guess it was obvious. I felt like a failure. At everything. Then Wilbert took a chance on me. Kyle never produced a radio show before and learned the job. He brought me pie. And Mom has put up with my mopey ass long enough.

SALLY:  Can we try it now?

JUNE:  I’m almost done.

(Sally mimes talking with her hand to infer June is gabby.)

Thank you. To all three of you. I thought coming home would just tide me over until I could figure out a new beginning. But I found a fresh start right here. So I raise a glass to you. Cheers.

(She raises her glass, they follow suit.)

ALL:  Cheers!

(They toast and sip their beers. Sally looks around nervously.)

SALLY:  Well?

KYLE:  It’s good!

JUNE:  It is, Mom! It’s great!

SALLY:  Wilbert?

WILBERT:  It’s a little flat. Coulda used maybe another week or two in the bottle.

SALLY:  Yah. I worried I got overanxious. I’ll let the rest of this sit a while longer.

WILBERT:  It’s a real nice ale though! Especially for your first time. Holy wah!

SALLY:  I gotta sit down. Wanna join me up on the porch? I got these Andiron-deck chairs.

JUNE:  Adirondack, Mom.

SALLY:  Huh?

JUNE:  Nothing.

(Sally and Wilbert go up to the porch to converse. June and Kyle stroll downstage.)

KYLE:  So what’s the great deal you found?

JUNE:  It’s this cute little house that someone inherited and decided to rent out super cheap. Two bedrooms. Tiny bathroom. The shower is in the basement.  BUT, it’s got a fire pit in the backyard.

KYLE:  What about your friend in Minneapolis?

JUNE:  I’m not ready. Don’t get me wrong. I might be someday. Jerome says I’ll always have a job waiting for me. I believe him.

KYLE:  You miss it? The bigger stations and the competition?

JUNE:  The rush of finding out you’re number one in your time slot? Then having the pressure to maintain it so the ad rates can keep going up? The panic and stress when you slide down in ratings? I loved it. But no. Right now I just need to … do good radio. And be in one place. With people who care about me. Who … I care about.

SALLY:  (From the porch) Is this Jerry’s meat? I love Jerry’s meat!

JUNE:  I … I can’t follow that.

KYLE:  I’m glad you’re staying.

(June suddenly hugs him. Hard. He hugs back.The world just kind of stops for a few seconds.)

(Melanie power walks by. She notices, removes ear buds and stops.)

MELANIE:  Finally!

(June and Kyle take a step back.)

JUNE:  Melanie. Hi.

MELANIE:  I always knew this would happen.

JUNE:  Hugs?

MELANIE:  Yeah, sure. Hugs. (Calling) Wilbert! I’m keeping my ads running! My sales went down everywhere during my radio career. Anyway. Guess I’ll see you around. Good night you two. I saw nothing.

(Melanie power walks away.)

JUNE:  Does she think we’re friends?

KYLE:  It’s a small town. Pickin’s are slim.

JUNE:  Well, if I ever miss the chaos I ran from, I bet she’d deliver.

KYLE:  Chaos is overrated.

JUNE:  Some chaos is fun. In small doses.

KYLE:  Taking chances. Chaotic.

JUNE:  Also brave.

KYLE:  Starting over. That’s pretty brave.

JUNE:  You’d know about that.

(Kyle raises his glass.)

KYLE:  To bravery.

(June raises hers.)

JUNE:  To chaos.

KYLE:  To new beginnings.

(They clink and sip.)

That’s some sunset.

(June looks out thoughtfully.)

JUNE:  So Kyle, there’s this supper club out on Fern Lake. I heard they have a great view.

(They exchange hopeful smiles and watch the sun go down.)

(Lights out.)

(End of Play)

Karen Saari writes plays with themes of redemption, hope and humor in the face of obstacles. Her work has been produced by Playhouse on the Square (Memphis), Flint Repertory Theatre (Mich.), Music Theatre of Madison (Wisc.), Magnetic Theatre Company (Asheville, NC) and more. Her titles include BAD IN BED (A FAIRY TALE), IN A CLEARING, ‘RAIN ON FIRE, TRAGEDY SOUND, JOYLAND and TEN DAYS IN A MADHOUSE (book and co-lyrics). She is the winner of the 2025 Playhouse on the Square New Play Competition, 2025 Panowski Playwriting Competition, three-time O’Neill semi-finalist, 2020 Talkback Theater Prize, 2024 Wilde Award (Best New Play), among other awards and accolades. Saari earned an MFA in playwriting from Augsburg University and is department chair of theater and speech at Madison College in Wisconsin.

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